Life of Yeshiva Guy

I awake to a headache inducing cacophony of alarm clocks and kosher phone alarms blaring simultaneously. Joining together in glorious unity with a single purpose- to wake up the oilam. And wake up we do. My hand blindly gropes for my own electronic phone/alarm blaring out its ugly polyphonic rendition of Fuer Elise. Automatically, my hand creeps out from the under the covers and snoozes it. I swear, I was never completely cognitive of the alarm ringing. Anyway, another five minutes won’t hurt anyone, right?

And so it goes…five minutes are followed by another five minutes, and again, until its a half hour later. Just like that.  I finally transition to some semblance of wakefulness and glance at my clock through eyes cobwebbed by sleep and shuttered by one too many l’chaims last night. ****. I mutter a yeshivishe curse underneath my breath. Only two minutes to z’man krias shema. I’m going to miss it unless I move really quick. Krias Shema adrenaline pumping through my still slumbering body, I stumble to the sink where I wash negel vasser and perfunctorily mutter Modeh Ani under my breath. Sitting down, I try to concentrate on performing a mitzvah d’oraysa. I know that I need to focus…whether I do or not is between me and G-d.

And so it goes throughout the day. It just isn’t clicking. Barely make it on time to seder. My chavrusa is ticked because I’m half-poofing, and I’m ticked cause he’s ticked. Finally, thank G-d, seder is over. Skipping lunch today, like most days. Who decided that we need three meals anyway? Back to dira, and blessed bed. One hour nap time is interrupted twice by friends asking me very, very important questions. No, you wouldn’t believe me if I repeated them. Sum total of actual sleeping time? Ten minutes.

Roll out of bed even more ticked off than I was in the morning. Walk to second seder. Before I walk in to the B”M, however, I calm myself down. Deep breaths. Soda. I know that its important to put on a show now. My chavrusa is going through a little bit of a rough patch, and it isn’t fair to saddle him with my meaningless slight sleep deprivation. Chavrusa with the problems aside, it’s important to do this every day, everywhere. Don’t walk into anything, ever, carrying baggage. It isn’t fair to the people around you and it isn’t fair to yourself. A five minute schmooze about nothing later, I stroll into seder completely chilled.

My boy- second seder chavrusa guy- is not in a good place right now. I can’t go into details here; suffice to say that I’m davening for him. But problems and all, he consistently focuses on the gemara in front of us like a trooper. We power through seder and come out with a relatively klura view of the sugya. Its a great culmination to a long week. “L’fum Tzaara Agrah”…But it ain’t over yet.

Ma’ariv is a quick affair, although make sure to thank Him for second seder. I make sure to ask him for a holy Shabbos and a smooth Friday. Friday’s are always complicated. Too many variables. A regular day has the same basic set of nisyonos in the life of a Yeshiva Guy- but Friday? Dangerous. We talk a little, me and Him. I’m not sure, but I think I’m becoming more comfortable with Him lately. With His language…with davening.

A few short hours later, I’m safely cocooning under the covers. And thanking Him again. Over the course of the day, I’ve experienced so many emotions. Not all of them good. But I made it through, Boruch Hashem.

As I drift off, I’m thinking…thank You for today. I’m thinking, please make tomorrow better.

The next morning, I wake up to a headache inducing cacophony…

Below find an unusually heartwarming exchange between this blogger, and a precocious five year old. Wow.

Bava Basra 12b: The Adorable, Beautiful Girl

The below list is an old favorite (slightly edited- see bottom) that I thought could use some revision l’kavod the oiros of Chanukah.

The main cheilek of these are Yeshiva related ones, and after the separation bar toward the end, find some Jewish, but non-Yeshiva related ones. The original version had some seminary ones, but I left those out…for now. Perhaps I’ll update this post later with them.

Enjoy, and ah Freilechen Chanukah!

• How many yeshiva bochurim does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, that depends on who you hold like. According to Rabbi Yochanan, it takes one. According to Rabbi Elazar, it takes ten.

• How many R’ Meir guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it and one to take the first guy’s shirt to get restarched.

Two. One to call the current chozer in NJ and ask him what the Rosh would hold, and one to change it, assuming the Rosh lets.

• How many R’ Avraham Yehoshua guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The Rov never changed light bulbs.

Theoretically, one. But they can’t, since they don’t have a mesorah on the shiur of twists to screw it in.

• How many Mir guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to get a sandwich from Eli’s, and one to argue with the ba’al dira over who should pay for it.

• How many R’ Tzvi guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They want to, but the Rosh Yeshiva doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a yeshiva bochur to change a light bulb during the zman.

• How many R’ Nechemia guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They’re never in Yerushalayim to know that their dira’s light bulb is dead.

• How many R’ Sholom Shechter guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to ask R’ Gurwitz and R’ Sholom to give a va’ad on their respective opinions on the subject, and one to eat the delicious meal cooked by the world-renowned chef in honor of the occasion.

• How many Chabad guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The bulb never died.

None. They don’t want that light. They want the light of Moshiach.

• How many R’ Senters guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to take attendance to make sure everyone got there, and one to call the Rosh and tell him the good news- light bulb changing attendance is up…and good news! Plus, since it is up, we’re all taking a trip to Papua, New Guinea next month!

• How many Aish guys does it take to change the light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to ask, “Can you do that? I don’t know if you can do that.”

• How many Ohr Sameach guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. one to light the candles, one to put on the Lanzbom CD, one playing lead, one playing backup and one singing.

• How many Kol Torah guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. Two to find a way to blame it on the Israelis and one to get an israeli to do it for them.

• How many Nekudah Tovah guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Nineteen. One to change it, and eighteen to hold a kumzitz celebrating the occasion.

• How many Tifrach guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? Mah zeh? Oh…that. Rav Piltz assured those a couple years ago. Now we just use candles.

• How many Lakewood East guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to put it in, one to re-starch his shirt and one to spread the word that this guy can really change light bulbs and would make a great shidduch.

• How many Ponovezh guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to argue with each other about…wait, they’re not sure anymore.

• How many Chevron guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Their super-tight shirts don’t have the amount of wiggle room necessary to raise their arms more than a foot over their heads.

• How many Shalavim guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to sing and dance with Chaim Dovid over
 the joy of adding a “new light to the world”.

Rav Yammer is coming! (“Nai Nai Nai…”)

• How many Gush guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But he first needs to ask the Rosh Yeshiva how and then write an 80 page halakhic dissertation on changing lightbulbs in the 20th century and what Thomas
 Edison and the Rogatchover had in common.

None. Rabbi Riskin holds that the old light bulb and the settlers have equal rights; neither should be expelled, at any cost.

None, he calls a Brovenders girl to do it for him.

• How many HaKotel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One….to call the front desk.

• How many Mevaseret guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. That question wasn’t on the SAT’s.

• How many Lev Abe guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. Gotta ask the Head Counsler.

• How many Bais guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five….one to do it, four others to fake it.

• How many Lev Aryeh guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sorry, not enough guys.

• How many Reishit guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why should we change the bulb? It was Neve’s fault.

Lets go find a website on lightbulbs.

• How many Mercaz guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Six…one to change it and five to make the T-shirts.

• How many KBY guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to stand guard while the other two unscrew it from a shana alef Israeli’s room.

Ten. One to change it and nine to kill the Arabs who sabotaged it in the first place.

• How many Keser Dovid Guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to see if this room has a ceiling, one to find a nice mishpacha with lightbulbs to spare, and one to wonder why he didn’t just go to Chofetz Chaim.

• How many Chofetz Chaim guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let’s study this question b’iyun over the course of our 17 year cycle.

• How many Medrash Shmuel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

What me? Change a lightbulb?

• How many ToMo guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it. I’ll just use my flashlight.

• How many Nevei guys does it take to chage a lightbub?

Was that a BUD light-bulb?

• How many YU guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Commentator Exclusive: Dr. Cwilich giving Honors Seminar in the physical
dynamics of Light-Rav Kahn Lashes out against the project; Students don’t really give a flip.

• How many Touro guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to fix it, one to hold the camera, and four to pose in the all new computer lab for the Jewish Press shidduch ad.

______________________________________________________________________________________

• How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? There was no light bulb.

• How many Shin Bet operatives does it take to change a light bulb?

We ask the questions around here.

• How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

We don’t want to change it! We just want to improve it.

• How many Breslover Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

• How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends. One if it’s an eco-kosher bulb that isn’t going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called “The Jew in the Light Bulb.” Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

• How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

Gevalt, it’s mamash such a great opportunity to do t’shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

• How many Jewish Book Store owners does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, but it must be one of our new “Glatt Kosher Shabbos Lightbulbs”.

• How many Jewish mother-in-laws does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s all right, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

Credit for this post:

Originally email forwarded by Ephraim Shapiro (NOT the YU Chabad Club President of ’98-’00, and to Jewish Tripod Jokes). Cleaned up, edited, and additions by YG.

Apparently.

“There’s a hafganah tonight!”

One of my diramates is gushing (do bochurim gush? Or only women?) on and on about the huge, massive demonstration taking place near Kikar Paris to protest the building freeze set into place by the formerly hawkish government.

“So, nu, Yeshiva Guy, are you going? I hear there is some serious action going down”. I, as it happens, have already been there, but I can’t tell him that. “Do you know what it’s about,?” I question evasively. “Yeah, something about the buildings in the settlements…anyway, who cares! I hear there is some action…let’s go!”

“Nah, I’m going to sit this one out”, I tell him. His face falls. Oh well, he’ll find someone else to go with him, I think. Meanwhile, I retire to my room to do my equivalent of smoking a cigarette to think this one through. For some reason, I’m a little disturbed by this exchange. My puzzlement at this point, however, is due to the fact that I wouldn’t typically me disturbed by such a comment.

I think back to the rally/hafganah. It was amazing sight, really. Tons and tons of Jews, many of them apparently bussed in from the settlements, had gathered in the streets. The ruche was, to borrow a cliched term I never tire of hating to see, palpable. An interesting point that I noted was the age demographic- mostly younger. Which was odd, since I’d though that Zionism, or at least this type of idealistic firebrand Zionism, was a dying breed. Color me surprised.

And thinking about it made me realize; it is no wonder that I’m disturbed that my friend is going just to see the action or rioting—he doesn’t identify this kind of hafganah with anything serious.

And I realize, belatedly, that neither did I…until tonight. Hmm…food for thought.

Before you begin the Yeshiva Guy course in Beigel Busting, you must first learn what a Tuna Beigel is. A Tuna Beigel, or Beigel for short, is a colloquial term for a (former) member of an Ultra-Orthodox Chassidishe sect. Typically speaking, they are slightly clueless about the outside world due to their insulated upbringing. Technically, they may still consider themselves Chassidim, but in reality, they have severed most ties with their heritage long ago. It is precisely the links that they cannot break, however, that makes them so hilarious, and consequently so much fun to watch in action.

The term is believed to have originated as an insult to the Yiddish inflected Chasidic pronunciation of Bagel (Beigel). A derogatory diminutive  synonymous with Tuna Beigel might be Yoeli.

Beigel busting (i.e., making fun of Tuna Beigels) is a favorite pastime of non-Beigel members of the Orthodox world. Particularly, of course, the Yeshiva world. So, without further ado, allow me to present my list of identifying marks of a Beigel. Often, Beigel watching is most rewarding in secular areas near a major Chasidic section. Manhattan, near Boro Park, AC, and other such places. Also note that is may be hazardous to your health to call a Beigel the said endearing epithet to his face; they do not appreciate it. Finally, if you have anything to contribute, either in the nature of additional identifying attributes, or corrections, please feel free to get in touch or leave a comment.

• He has a bluetooth earphone (ah blutoot) on both of his ears.
• His centrifugal gravity is off balance…the right portion of his belt has one extra walkie talkie than the left. Both sides, of course, have the requisite cell phone and beeper combo with a knockoff PRADA leather case.
• Is a regular at the Thursday night meeeettings at Deli 52.
• Owns two or more shiny blue Hatzolah windbreakers.
• Can rattle off more acronym based social and emergency services than his entire English vocabulary (e.g. PD, FD, ESU, SWAT).
• Enjoys engaging in knowledgeable debates involving the intricacies of the BP PDs hierarchy.
• Has a scanner…and a backup battery powered portable one, just in case the power blows.
• Shoots up to AC every now and then, not to gamble per se, but just because.
• Is addicted to 24, and would give away his GMC Yukon to shake Jack Bauers hand.
• If push came to shove, and he could only own one vehicle in his lifetime, it’d be an XLSX Chevy Suburban. Black, tinted windows, no chrome.
• Still maintains a close shaychis with the Rebbe, and has the receipts to prove it.
• Has gekreizelte peios…somewhere.
• Has met or knows someone related to a member of the Beach Boyz. And if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask. And no, it isn’t a rock group.
• Subscribes to Car and Driver. Not that he knows what its talking about.
• Still doesn’t speak English without multiple grammar/usage/pronunciation errors. He is real hart trying, d’ho.
• Has an account at the local glasses shop. New styles emerge every six months or so, you know.
• Hates Lipa with a passion. He’s into the real stuff.
• Staunch believer in the second coming…of another Shomer Shabbos on 18th avenue. One day.
• Has at least three close friends with the mythical morphing revolving seforim shrank-home theater setup.
• Checks VIN 9 times daily. Alternatively, uses UPOC group SMS or other outdated form of real-time information updating.
• Is on a first name basis with the night clerk at Blockbuster on 18th avenue.
• Fervently hopes that one day he’ll have the guts to do what Gitty did.
• Feels a need to constantly exhibit his distaste for his unenlightened brethren by perpetually exhibiting freshly washed and waxed peios. No way ‘dis bagel is going around unshowered.
• Believes that all Litvaks are misnagdim. The war is over, buddy.
• Left Cafe Shalva when they renovated. Its way too clean now.
• Is too cool to have an opinion on 48/45th. Just doesn’t care.
• Once saw someone get stabbed in the ‘hood. And he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.
• Insists on wearing unfashionably stylish shoes. Either Aladdin-type-tips, or bowling shoe style. Either way, he’d rather be caught dead before purchasing standard Rockport/Florsheims.