The below list is an old favorite (slightly edited- see bottom) that I thought could use some revision l’kavod the oiros of Chanukah.

The main cheilek of these are Yeshiva related ones, and after the separation bar toward the end, find some Jewish, but non-Yeshiva related ones. The original version had some seminary ones, but I left those out…for now. Perhaps I’ll update this post later with them.

Enjoy, and ah Freilechen Chanukah!

• How many yeshiva bochurim does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, that depends on who you hold like. According to Rabbi Yochanan, it takes one. According to Rabbi Elazar, it takes ten.

• How many R’ Meir guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it and one to take the first guy’s shirt to get restarched.

Two. One to call the current chozer in NJ and ask him what the Rosh would hold, and one to change it, assuming the Rosh lets.

• How many R’ Avraham Yehoshua guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The Rov never changed light bulbs.

Theoretically, one. But they can’t, since they don’t have a mesorah on the shiur of twists to screw it in.

• How many Mir guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to get a sandwich from Eli’s, and one to argue with the ba’al dira over who should pay for it.

• How many R’ Tzvi guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They want to, but the Rosh Yeshiva doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a yeshiva bochur to change a light bulb during the zman.

• How many R’ Nechemia guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They’re never in Yerushalayim to know that their dira’s light bulb is dead.

• How many R’ Sholom Shechter guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to ask R’ Gurwitz and R’ Sholom to give a va’ad on their respective opinions on the subject, and one to eat the delicious meal cooked by the world-renowned chef in honor of the occasion.

• How many Chabad guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The bulb never died.

None. They don’t want that light. They want the light of Moshiach.

• How many R’ Senters guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to take attendance to make sure everyone got there, and one to call the Rosh and tell him the good news- light bulb changing attendance is up…and good news! Plus, since it is up, we’re all taking a trip to Papua, New Guinea next month!

• How many Aish guys does it take to change the light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to ask, “Can you do that? I don’t know if you can do that.”

• How many Ohr Sameach guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. one to light the candles, one to put on the Lanzbom CD, one playing lead, one playing backup and one singing.

• How many Kol Torah guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. Two to find a way to blame it on the Israelis and one to get an israeli to do it for them.

• How many Nekudah Tovah guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Nineteen. One to change it, and eighteen to hold a kumzitz celebrating the occasion.

• How many Tifrach guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? Mah zeh? Oh…that. Rav Piltz assured those a couple years ago. Now we just use candles.

• How many Lakewood East guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to put it in, one to re-starch his shirt and one to spread the word that this guy can really change light bulbs and would make a great shidduch.

• How many Ponovezh guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to argue with each other about…wait, they’re not sure anymore.

• How many Chevron guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Their super-tight shirts don’t have the amount of wiggle room necessary to raise their arms more than a foot over their heads.

• How many Shalavim guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to sing and dance with Chaim Dovid over
 the joy of adding a “new light to the world”.

Rav Yammer is coming! (“Nai Nai Nai…”)

• How many Gush guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But he first needs to ask the Rosh Yeshiva how and then write an 80 page halakhic dissertation on changing lightbulbs in the 20th century and what Thomas
 Edison and the Rogatchover had in common.

None. Rabbi Riskin holds that the old light bulb and the settlers have equal rights; neither should be expelled, at any cost.

None, he calls a Brovenders girl to do it for him.

• How many HaKotel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One….to call the front desk.

• How many Mevaseret guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. That question wasn’t on the SAT’s.

• How many Lev Abe guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. Gotta ask the Head Counsler.

• How many Bais guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five….one to do it, four others to fake it.

• How many Lev Aryeh guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sorry, not enough guys.

• How many Reishit guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why should we change the bulb? It was Neve’s fault.

Lets go find a website on lightbulbs.

• How many Mercaz guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Six…one to change it and five to make the T-shirts.

• How many KBY guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to stand guard while the other two unscrew it from a shana alef Israeli’s room.

Ten. One to change it and nine to kill the Arabs who sabotaged it in the first place.

• How many Keser Dovid Guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to see if this room has a ceiling, one to find a nice mishpacha with lightbulbs to spare, and one to wonder why he didn’t just go to Chofetz Chaim.

• How many Chofetz Chaim guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let’s study this question b’iyun over the course of our 17 year cycle.

• How many Medrash Shmuel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

What me? Change a lightbulb?

• How many ToMo guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it. I’ll just use my flashlight.

• How many Nevei guys does it take to chage a lightbub?

Was that a BUD light-bulb?

• How many YU guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Commentator Exclusive: Dr. Cwilich giving Honors Seminar in the physical
dynamics of Light-Rav Kahn Lashes out against the project; Students don’t really give a flip.

• How many Touro guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to fix it, one to hold the camera, and four to pose in the all new computer lab for the Jewish Press shidduch ad.

______________________________________________________________________________________

• How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? There was no light bulb.

• How many Shin Bet operatives does it take to change a light bulb?

We ask the questions around here.

• How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

We don’t want to change it! We just want to improve it.

• How many Breslover Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

• How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends. One if it’s an eco-kosher bulb that isn’t going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called “The Jew in the Light Bulb.” Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

• How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

Gevalt, it’s mamash such a great opportunity to do t’shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

• How many Jewish Book Store owners does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, but it must be one of our new “Glatt Kosher Shabbos Lightbulbs”.

• How many Jewish mother-in-laws does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s all right, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

Credit for this post:

Originally email forwarded by Ephraim Shapiro (NOT the YU Chabad Club President of ‘98-’00, and to Jewish Tripod Jokes). Cleaned up, edited, and additions by YG.

Warm, dripping in oil, and sweet inside. No, that wasn’t a description of yeshiva bochurim. I was, of course, referring to sufganiyot. Bochurim, and everyone else, wait in anticipation for sufganiyah season all year round. Finally, it’s here. Consider this your seasonal primer on Sufganiyot.

Sufganiyot are the Israeli version of donuts, typically filled with cheap, substandard red jelly. But that’s OK. We love ‘em anyway. Available in multiple styles and with all sorts of different fillings, Yeshiva Guy.com has toured Yerushalayim to bring you the very best of sufganiyot. (Obviously, only bakeries with a Mehadrin hashgacha are being reviewed).

First up is Brooklyn. No Jerusalem donut guide would be complete without mentioning Brooklyn Bakery. Legend has it that they import all ingredients, including the sugar and flour. In fact the only bakery that offers donuts all year, Chanukah time sees a serious ramping up of their donut line. Offering a total of 15 different donuts, it is safe to say that Brooklyn is the king of donuts. We recommend trying the cappuccino with almond slivers donut, and the cinnamon crueller (although not technically a donut). Located on Malchei Yisroel ?.

Another popular pick in the donut world is the caramel filled donut. Israel is home to some excellent caramel factories; caramel here is sweet, slightly syrupy, and B”H for coffee lovers, available separately in little glass jars. Naturally, many bakeries take advantage of the relatively cheap filing and offer caramel based sufganiyot. Ask around in Geulah, and everyone will tell you that Pizza Uri’s (not technically a bakery, but who cares) has the very best caramel donuts (Chalavi). I tend to agree. TIP: Buy ten and get one free. Located on Malchei Yisroel ?.

Finally, the world of the vintage jelly filled donut is hot competition. With so many contenders, the space has become overloaded with cheap, low quality product. Whatever you do, do not for a second contemplate just picking up a donut being sold in the cardboard boxes in the local makolet. Definitely do make sure, however, to check out AviChayil bakery, a Jerusalem icon in its own right. AviChayil offers both caramel (Chalavi) and jelly based (Parve) donuts. In my opinion, their jelly donuts are better, although the dira is split down the middle on AviChayil. Located on Pri Chadash ?.

There is also a place in Sanhedria Murchevet called ??? that allows you to customize your own donut, to a degree. They are open 24/7, and supposedly make some amazing donuts. YG hopes to make it there over the course of Chanukah to provide his loyal readers with a personal opinion.

This post will, iy”H, be updated over the next few days with the individual bakeries’ locations, some additional ones, and other info. If you have any recommendations of places that I’ve missed, please email or comment (Mehadrin only, please).

The photo, which, by the way, I almost ate, was taken by Mordechai Hanover of Jerusalem Shutter.

Apparently.

“There’s a hafganah tonight!”

One of my diramates is gushing (do bochurim gush? Or only women?) on and on about the huge, massive demonstration taking place near Kikar Paris to protest the building freeze set into place by the formerly hawkish government.

“So, nu, Yeshiva Guy, are you going? I hear there is some serious action going down”. I, as it happens, have already been there, but I can’t tell him that. “Do you know what it’s about,?” I question evasively. “Yeah, something about the buildings in the settlements…anyway, who cares! I hear there is some action…let’s go!”

“Nah, I’m going to sit this one out”, I tell him. His face falls. Oh well, he’ll find someone else to go with him, I think. Meanwhile, I retire to my room to do my equivalent of smoking a cigarette to think this one through. For some reason, I’m a little disturbed by this exchange. My puzzlement at this point, however, is due to the fact that I wouldn’t typically me disturbed by such a comment.

I think back to the rally/hafganah. It was amazing sight, really. Tons and tons of Jews, many of them apparently bussed in from the settlements, had gathered in the streets. The ruche was, to borrow a cliched term I never tire of hating to see, palpable. An interesting point that I noted was the age demographic- mostly younger. Which was odd, since I’d though that Zionism, or at least this type of idealistic firebrand Zionism, was a dying breed. Color me surprised.

And thinking about it made me realize; it is no wonder that I’m disturbed that my friend is going just to see the action or rioting—he doesn’t identify this kind of hafganah with anything serious.

And I realize, belatedly, that neither did I…until tonight. Hmm…food for thought.

Before you begin the Yeshiva Guy course in Beigel Busting, you must first learn what a Beigel is. A Tuna Beigel, or Beigel for short, is a colloquial term for a (former) member of the Ultra-Orthodox Chasidic sect. Typically, slightly clueless about the outside world due to their insulated upbringing. Technically, they may still consider themselves Chassidim, but…

The term is believed to have originated as an insult to the Yiddish inflected Chasidic pronunciation of Bagel (Beigel).

A derogatory diminutive  synonymous with Tuna Beigel might be Yoeli.

Beigel busting (i.e., making fun of) is a favorite pastime of non-Beigel members of the Orthodox world. Particularly, of course, the Yeshiva world. So, without further ado, allow me to present my list of identifying marks of a Beigel. Use these to spot them…often, Beigel watching is most rewarding in secular areas near a major Chasidic section. Manhattan, near Boro Park, and other such places. Also note that is may be hazardous to your health to call a Beigel the said endearing epithet to his face; they do not appreciate it.  Finally, if you have anything to contribute, either in the nature of another identifying attribute, or a correction, please feel free to get in touch.

- He has a bluetooth earphone (ah blutoot) on both of his ears.

- His centrifugal gravity is off balance…the right portion of his belt has one extra walkie talkie than the left. Both sides, of course, have the requisite cell phone and beeper combo with a knockoff PRADA leather case.

- Is a regular at the Thursday night meeeettings at Deli 52.

- Owns two or more shiny blue Hatzolah windbreakers.

- Can rattle off more acronym based social and emergency services than his entire English vocabulary. (e.g. PD, FD, ESU)

- Enjoys engaging in knowledgeable debates involving the intricacies of the BP PDs hierarchy.

- Has a scanner…and a backup battery powered portable trunk scanner, just in case the power blows.

- Shoots up to AC every now and then, not to gamble per se, but just because.

- Is addicted to 24, and would give away his GMC Yukon to shake Jack Bauers hand.

- If push came to shove, and he could only own one vehicle in his lifetime, it’d be an XLSX Chevy Suburban. Black, tinted windows, no chrome.

- Still maintains a close connection with the Rebbe, and has the receipts to prove it.

- Has gekreizelte peios…somewhere. Oh, there they are. Hiding behind his ears.

- Has met or knows someone related to a member of the Beach Boyz. And if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask. And no, it isn’t a rock group.

- Subscribes to Car and Driver. Not that he knows what its talking about…

- Still doesn’t speak an English without multiple grammar/usage/pronunciation errors. He is real hart trying, d’ho.

- Has an account at the local glasses shop. New styles emerge every six months or so, you know.

- Hates Lipa with a passion. He’s into the real stuff…

- Staunch believer in the second coming…of another Shomer Shabbos on 18th avenue. One day.

- Has at least three close friends with the mythical revolving seforim shrank-turned-home theater setup.

- Checks VIN 9 times daily. Alternatively, uses UPOC group SMS or other outdated form of real-time information updating.

- Is on a first name basis with the night clerk at Blockbuster on 18th avenue.

- Fervently hopes that one day he’ll have the guts to do what Gitty did.

- Feels a need to constantly exhibit his distaste for his unenlightened brethren by perpetually exhibiting freshly washed and waxed peios. No way ‘dis bagel is going around unshowered.

- Believes that all Litvaks are misnagdim. The war is over, buddy.

- Left Cafe Shalva when they renovated. Its way too clean now.

- Is too cool to have an opinion on 48/45th. Just doesn’t care.

- Once saw someone get stabbed in the ‘hood. And he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.

- Insists on wearing unfashionably stylish shoes. Either Aladdin-type-tips, or bowling shoe style. Either way, he’d rather be caught dead before purchasing standard Rockport/Florsheims.

Another amazing shot by Mordechai Hanover of Jerusalem Shutter.

Taken in Chevron.