An unoriginal, uninspired joke. Call it the child in me if you like. Anyway, fear not, Yeshiva Guy is still around to shtell and shuckel for at least a while longer.

Well folks, its been a wild ride. A wild, totally fun filled ride.

From the Twitter debates with frenemies and foe alike, to the Tweetups and Blogups, I had a blast (and made more than one friend in the process). But this, like all good things, must come to an end.

As some of you no doubt know, I am in shidduchim, and Boruch Hashem I am happy to announce that I am engaged to wonderful girl. Anonymity prevents me form disclosing the exact date of the engagement, but suffice to say that it was within the last two months.

Obviously, this blog is no longer appropriate; as A) my kallah has expressed her disapproval, B) I now have a life which = no more time for games, and C) I’d have to transition to Kolell Guy in any case.

So folks, although I doubt I’ll see you guys again, who knows. Sail forward into the vast emptiness and deadliness of the internets without your able and faithful companion Yeshiva Guy at your side; but remember this- I’ll always be watching.

#FTW,

YG

Dear Valued Employers,

We, [C.L.E.A.N.] (Cleaning Ladies Everywhere Against Neurotia), wish to inform our employers [M.O.M.] (Mobs of Mothers) that we have unanimously voted in the following resolution, hereby inscribed by our secretary. “B. Crock(er)”; Resolution #RUMe$HuGGa4148. It follows.

“Due to the continued proliferation of the seasonal madness known around the world to we, the undersigned [C.L.E.A.N.], we have decided to appeal the sensibilities of the Chosen People’s leaders and sages in an effort to stop this madness once and for all. In addition to the obvious psychosis demonstrated with regards to the financial decision of hiring numerous honored members of our association and then summarily dismissing them to light labor while they attack electric sockets with glee (and toothpicks), they have also exhibited multiple signs of what can only be clinically classified as temporary dementia. These signs may be but are not limited to;

1 ) Screaming at young children for eating healthy, nutritious breakfasts (e.g. Wheaties) in the main dining area.

2) Recleaning the same spot of carpet with borderline OCD level attention.

3) Ordering the H.H.’s (Harried Husbands) to the grocery store for unending refills of Comet, Fantastic, Wonderful, Astroid, and others.

4) Peering into a small volume authored by some fellow named Bloom’s Camp Guide to Pesach for hours on end.

5) Disattaching light fixtures and dusting and washing them.

6) Prying off each individual key of the keyboard and washing the cap and Air-Offing the interior of said keyboard.

7) Washing ceilings.

Cleaning shoe soles.

We therefore respectfully request that the leaders of the Chosen People attempt with any and all powers at their disposal to treat this malady for once and for all. Before we go mad ourselves.

Yours,

C.L.E.A.N.

A guest post l’kovod Purim by The (Yeshivishe) Shadow. This post originally appeared on his blog, “Fleeting Thoughts of the Shadow”.

The scent of Purim is in the air!

Then again, so is the scent of dead fish, raw meat, fruits, vegetables, and about forty thousand different flavors of halvah. That is because I’m traipsing through Machane Yehuda, searching for components for my Purim costume.

It is a time-honored tradition among yeshiva bochurim learning in Eretz Yisroel to invade Machane Yehuda around Purim time. Unless you plan on buying a bear suit for 500 shekels, the standard bochur’s costume consists of shopping at cheap clothing stores in Machane Yehuda, buying whatever weird clothing you can get your hands on, and mix-’n-matching them in the oddest possible way.

This proves not to be too difficult in terms of finding the stuff – since virtually all the clothing sold there is fair game, in terms of outlandishness – but it can be quite challenging to get the stuff you want before anyone else beats you to it. The simple, cost-effective solution is to fire several warning shots into the air with a .22 caliber pistol, then move in and collect the bounty. Should you find yourself arrested, however, it could potentially ruin your Purim plans, so use the aforementioned idea with caution.

While in Machane Yehuda, it pays to check out some of the other stalls there – particularly the ones selling halvah, since they give out free samples. For the uninitiated, halvah is a sesame seed concoction with the density of cement, only less tasty in some cases, and containing more calories per cubic inch than you would have thought physically possible. To compensate for the ridiculous amount of calories, the shopkeepers add chocolate, coffee, cinnamon, mud, roofing cement, etc. – okay, it doesn’t compensate much calorie-wise, but it does make it taste somewhat better.

To lure people into buying halvah, they offer free samples – tiny cubes of one flavor or another, each with enough fat content to clog a major artery faster than traffic in the Battery Tunnel during rush hour. The idea is that after surviving one piece, one will surely be compelled to buy a larger chunk that will take care of one’s caloric needs for a month. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Personally, I just take a few free samples, then lay down and roll home.

If Machane Yehuda isn’t your speed, you can check out the “drinks district” – a series of beverage boutiques on Shmuel Hanavi between Bar Ilan and Givat Moshe. My personal favorite among these is A. A. Pyup, a store that sells everything from (relatively) tame sodas, to alcoholic beverages with enough kick to stun an elephant. Here, throughout the Purim season, you can find many a wine connoisseur (which is French for “unbearable snob”) shopping for fine wines. I, personally, come here for a nice bottle of wine for my Rebbe, and something cheap for myself.

I haven’t actually spent much time in Geula yet, though that’s bound to be a fun place as well, as long as you avoid getting bleached. For instance, I understand that there are all sorts of unique, Purim-only meshugoyim in Geula, as opposed to the year round meshugoyim that tend to inhabit the neighborhood.

I have, in case you’re wondering, been to the Armenian Shuk in the Old City, which is a great place if you like to negotiate (read: yell at the top of your lungs at the Arab shopkeeper that the item is too expensive, then storm out in a huff). Bargaining is not my forte, though, so I brought along a friend to help me out, and we came away with a white robe and whiter pants for a mere 120 shekels. Not too shabby.

As Purim creeps closer, the music gets louder, the streets livelier, and the scenes ever more chaotic. It’s a great time to be around – the matzav is incomparable to anything in the US. The only real drawback is that this time of year is particularly mesugal for gaining weight. And those halvah samples aren’t helping any…

Raw meat. Next time, I’m gonna take a sample of raw meat instead.

The below list is an old favorite (slightly edited- see bottom) that I thought could use some revision l’kavod the oiros of Chanukah.

The main cheilek of these are Yeshiva related ones, and after the separation bar toward the end, find some Jewish, but non-Yeshiva related ones. The original version had some seminary ones, but I left those out…for now. Perhaps I’ll update this post later with them.

Enjoy, and ah Freilechen Chanukah!

• How many yeshiva bochurim does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, that depends on who you hold like. According to Rabbi Yochanan, it takes one. According to Rabbi Elazar, it takes ten.

• How many R’ Meir guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it and one to take the first guy’s shirt to get restarched.

Two. One to call the current chozer in NJ and ask him what the Rosh would hold, and one to change it, assuming the Rosh lets.

• How many R’ Avraham Yehoshua guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The Rov never changed light bulbs.

Theoretically, one. But they can’t, since they don’t have a mesorah on the shiur of twists to screw it in.

• How many Mir guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to get a sandwich from Eli’s, and one to argue with the ba’al dira over who should pay for it.

• How many R’ Tzvi guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They want to, but the Rosh Yeshiva doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a yeshiva bochur to change a light bulb during the zman.

• How many R’ Nechemia guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They’re never in Yerushalayim to know that their dira’s light bulb is dead.

• How many R’ Sholom Shechter guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to ask R’ Gurwitz and R’ Sholom to give a va’ad on their respective opinions on the subject, and one to eat the delicious meal cooked by the world-renowned chef in honor of the occasion.

• How many Chabad guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The bulb never died.

None. They don’t want that light. They want the light of Moshiach.

• How many R’ Senters guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, one to take attendance to make sure everyone got there, and one to call the Rosh and tell him the good news- light bulb changing attendance is up…and good news! Plus, since it is up, we’re all taking a trip to Papua, New Guinea next month!

• How many Aish guys does it take to change the light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to ask, “Can you do that? I don’t know if you can do that.”

• How many Ohr Sameach guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. one to light the candles, one to put on the Lanzbom CD, one playing lead, one playing backup and one singing.

• How many Kol Torah guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. Two to find a way to blame it on the Israelis and one to get an israeli to do it for them.

• How many Nekudah Tovah guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Nineteen. One to change it, and eighteen to hold a kumzitz celebrating the occasion.

• How many Tifrach guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? Mah zeh? Oh…that. Rav Piltz assured those a couple years ago. Now we just use candles.

• How many Lakewood East guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to put it in, one to re-starch his shirt and one to spread the word that this guy can really change light bulbs and would make a great shidduch.

• How many Ponovezh guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to argue with each other about…wait, they’re not sure anymore.

• How many Chevron guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Their super-tight shirts don’t have the amount of wiggle room necessary to raise their arms more than a foot over their heads.

• How many Shalavim guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to sing and dance with Chaim Dovid over
 the joy of adding a “new light to the world”.

Rav Yammer is coming! (“Nai Nai Nai…”)

• How many Gush guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But he first needs to ask the Rosh Yeshiva how and then write an 80 page halakhic dissertation on changing lightbulbs in the 20th century and what Thomas
 Edison and the Rogatchover had in common.

None. Rabbi Riskin holds that the old light bulb and the settlers have equal rights; neither should be expelled, at any cost.

None, he calls a Brovenders girl to do it for him.

• How many HaKotel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

One….to call the front desk.

• How many Mevaseret guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. That question wasn’t on the SAT’s.

• How many Lev Abe guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure. Gotta ask the Head Counsler.

• How many Bais guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five….one to do it, four others to fake it.

• How many Lev Aryeh guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sorry, not enough guys.

• How many Reishit guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why should we change the bulb? It was Neve’s fault.

Lets go find a website on lightbulbs.

• How many Mercaz guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Six…one to change it and five to make the T-shirts.

• How many KBY guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to stand guard while the other two unscrew it from a shana alef Israeli’s room.

Ten. One to change it and nine to kill the Arabs who sabotaged it in the first place.

• How many Keser Dovid Guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to see if this room has a ceiling, one to find a nice mishpacha with lightbulbs to spare, and one to wonder why he didn’t just go to Chofetz Chaim.

• How many Chofetz Chaim guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let’s study this question b’iyun over the course of our 17 year cycle.

• How many Medrash Shmuel guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

What me? Change a lightbulb?

• How many ToMo guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it. I’ll just use my flashlight.

• How many Nevei guys does it take to chage a lightbub?

Was that a BUD light-bulb?

• How many YU guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Commentator Exclusive: Dr. Cwilich giving Honors Seminar in the physical
dynamics of Light-Rav Kahn Lashes out against the project; Students don’t really give a flip.

• How many Touro guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to fix it, one to hold the camera, and four to pose in the all new computer lab for the Jewish Press shidduch ad.

______________________________________________________________________________________

• How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb? There was no light bulb.

• How many Shin Bet operatives does it take to change a light bulb?

We ask the questions around here.

• How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

We don’t want to change it! We just want to improve it.

• How many Breslover Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

• How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends. One if it’s an eco-kosher bulb that isn’t going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called “The Jew in the Light Bulb.” Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

• How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

Gevalt, it’s mamash such a great opportunity to do t’shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

• How many Jewish Book Store owners does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, but it must be one of our new “Glatt Kosher Shabbos Lightbulbs”.

• How many Jewish mother-in-laws does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s all right, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

Credit for this post:

Originally email forwarded by Ephraim Shapiro (NOT the YU Chabad Club President of ’98-’00, and to Jewish Tripod Jokes). Cleaned up, edited, and additions by YG.

Before you begin the Yeshiva Guy course in Beigel Busting, you must first learn what a Beigel is. A Tuna Beigel, or Beigel for short, is a colloquial term for a (former) member of the Ultra-Orthodox Chasidic sect. Typically, slightly clueless about the outside world due to their insulated upbringing. Technically, they may still consider themselves Chassidim, but…

The term is believed to have originated as an insult to the Yiddish inflected Chasidic pronunciation of Bagel (Beigel).

A derogatory diminutive  synonymous with Tuna Beigel might be Yoeli.

Beigel busting (i.e., making fun of) is a favorite pastime of non-Beigel members of the Orthodox world. Particularly, of course, the Yeshiva world. So, without further ado, allow me to present my list of identifying marks of a Beigel. Use these to spot them…often, Beigel watching is most rewarding in secular areas near a major Chasidic section. Manhattan, near Boro Park, and other such places. Also note that is may be hazardous to your health to call a Beigel the said endearing epithet to his face; they do not appreciate it.  Finally, if you have anything to contribute, either in the nature of another identifying attribute, or a correction, please feel free to get in touch.

- He has a bluetooth earphone (ah blutoot) on both of his ears.

- His centrifugal gravity is off balance…the right portion of his belt has one extra walkie talkie than the left. Both sides, of course, have the requisite cell phone and beeper combo with a knockoff PRADA leather case.

- Is a regular at the Thursday night meeeettings at Deli 52.

- Owns two or more shiny blue Hatzolah windbreakers.

- Can rattle off more acronym based social and emergency services than his entire English vocabulary. (e.g. PD, FD, ESU)

- Enjoys engaging in knowledgeable debates involving the intricacies of the BP PDs hierarchy.

- Has a scanner…and a backup battery powered portable trunk scanner, just in case the power blows.

- Shoots up to AC every now and then, not to gamble per se, but just because.

- Is addicted to 24, and would give away his GMC Yukon to shake Jack Bauers hand.

- If push came to shove, and he could only own one vehicle in his lifetime, it’d be an XLSX Chevy Suburban. Black, tinted windows, no chrome.

- Still maintains a close connection with the Rebbe, and has the receipts to prove it.

- Has gekreizelte peios…somewhere. Oh, there they are. Hiding behind his ears.

- Has met or knows someone related to a member of the Beach Boyz. And if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask. And no, it isn’t a rock group.

- Subscribes to Car and Driver. Not that he knows what its talking about…

- Still doesn’t speak an English without multiple grammar/usage/pronunciation errors. He is real hart trying, d’ho.

- Has an account at the local glasses shop. New styles emerge every six months or so, you know.

- Hates Lipa with a passion. He’s into the real stuff…

- Staunch believer in the second coming…of another Shomer Shabbos on 18th avenue. One day.

- Has at least three close friends with the mythical revolving seforim shrank-turned-home theater setup.

- Checks VIN 9 times daily. Alternatively, uses UPOC group SMS or other outdated form of real-time information updating.

- Is on a first name basis with the night clerk at Blockbuster on 18th avenue.

- Fervently hopes that one day he’ll have the guts to do what Gitty did.

- Feels a need to constantly exhibit his distaste for his unenlightened brethren by perpetually exhibiting freshly washed and waxed peios. No way ‘dis bagel is going around unshowered.

- Believes that all Litvaks are misnagdim. The war is over, buddy.

- Left Cafe Shalva when they renovated. Its way too clean now.

- Is too cool to have an opinion on 48/45th. Just doesn’t care.

- Once saw someone get stabbed in the ‘hood. And he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.

- Insists on wearing unfashionably stylish shoes. Either Aladdin-type-tips, or bowling shoe style. Either way, he’d rather be caught dead before purchasing standard Rockport/Florsheims.