Beigel Busting: How to Spot a Tuna Beigel
Posted by Yeshiva Guy | Posted in Articles, Humor | Posted on 09-12-2009
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Before you begin the Yeshiva Guy course in Beigel Busting, you must first learn what a Beigel is. A Tuna Beigel, or Beigel for short, is a colloquial term for a (former) member of the Ultra-Orthodox Chasidic sect. Typically, slightly clueless about the outside world due to their insulated upbringing. Technically, they may still consider themselves Chassidim, but…
The term is believed to have originated as an insult to the Yiddish inflected Chasidic pronunciation of Bagel (Beigel).
A derogatory diminutive synonymous with Tuna Beigel might be Yoeli.
Beigel busting (i.e., making fun of) is a favorite pastime of non-Beigel members of the Orthodox world. Particularly, of course, the Yeshiva world. So, without further ado, allow me to present my list of identifying marks of a Beigel. Use these to spot them…often, Beigel watching is most rewarding in secular areas near a major Chasidic section. Manhattan, near Boro Park, and other such places. Also note that is may be hazardous to your health to call a Beigel the said endearing epithet to his face; they do not appreciate it. Finally, if you have anything to contribute, either in the nature of another identifying attribute, or a correction, please feel free to get in touch.
- He has a bluetooth earphone (ah blutoot) on both of his ears.
- His centrifugal gravity is off balance…the right portion of his belt has one extra walkie talkie than the left. Both sides, of course, have the requisite cell phone and beeper combo with a knockoff PRADA leather case.
- Is a regular at the Thursday night meeeettings at Deli 52.
- Owns two or more shiny blue Hatzolah windbreakers.
- Can rattle off more acronym based social and emergency services than his entire English vocabulary. (e.g. PD, FD, ESU)
- Enjoys engaging in knowledgeable debates involving the intricacies of the BP PDs hierarchy.
- Has a scanner…and a backup battery powered portable trunk scanner, just in case the power blows.
- Shoots up to AC every now and then, not to gamble per se, but just because.
- Is addicted to 24, and would give away his GMC Yukon to shake Jack Bauers hand.
- If push came to shove, and he could only own one vehicle in his lifetime, it’d be an XLSX Chevy Suburban. Black, tinted windows, no chrome.
- Still maintains a close connection with the Rebbe, and has the receipts to prove it.
- Has gekreizelte peios…somewhere. Oh, there they are. Hiding behind his ears.
- Has met or knows someone related to a member of the Beach Boyz. And if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask. And no, it isn’t a rock group.
- Subscribes to Car and Driver. Not that he knows what its talking about…
- Still doesn’t speak an English without multiple grammar/usage/pronunciation errors. He is real hart trying, d’ho.
- Has an account at the local glasses shop. New styles emerge every six months or so, you know.
- Hates Lipa with a passion. He’s into the real stuff…
- Staunch believer in the second coming…of another Shomer Shabbos on 18th avenue. One day.
- Has at least three close friends with the mythical revolving seforim shrank-turned-home theater setup.
- Checks VIN 9 times daily. Alternatively, uses UPOC group SMS or other outdated form of real-time information updating.
- Is on a first name basis with the night clerk at Blockbuster on 18th avenue.
- Fervently hopes that one day he’ll have the guts to do what Gitty did.
- Feels a need to constantly exhibit his distaste for his unenlightened brethren by perpetually exhibiting freshly washed and waxed peios. No way ‘dis bagel is going around unshowered.
- Believes that all Litvaks are misnagdim. The war is over, buddy.
- Left Cafe Shalva when they renovated. Its way too clean now.
- Is too cool to have an opinion on 48/45th. Just doesn’t care.
- Once saw someone get stabbed in the ‘hood. And he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.
- Insists on wearing unfashionably stylish shoes. Either Aladdin-type-tips, or bowling shoe style. Either way, he’d rather be caught dead before purchasing standard Rockport/Florsheims.
This. Is. Hysterical. Thanks for the laugh. And thanks for the Tuna Beigel lesson….I kinda understood what it meant when yeshivish male relative says it (all the time), but not fully. Now I’m enlightened
And I never heard of a “revolving seforim shrank-turned-home theater setup!” That’s really cool!
Anytime!
Heard of it. I’ve seen it, actually. It exists.
Another post about people who are different from you. I’m curious if you’ve discussed this with your rabbeim.
Which was the first? And what do you mean by “this”?
I agree with p-almonious on this but I also think there’s a difference. You’ve written posts before about various people you’ve met that weren’t quite like you and yet those posts showed a very deep, and mature side that isn’t quite visible here. I’m a bit surprised to see a post like this written by you, of all people.
I’ve always had a problem with people making fun of an entire group of people. Yes, there are many guys that fit the description in your post to a T but…I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit right with me that there’d be an entire post dedicated to poking fun of them.
It’s not like I have any chassidish blood in me though I work with a bunch of “Yoilis” and yet I always feel bad for them when they’re made fun of. Live and let live…
I think the fact that he’s “deep and mature” is what makes this okay. He’s having fun, this is light-hearted, it’s not a deep-seated hatred and disdain (like I’ve seen towards chassidim more often than not on the internet). I’ve also always had a problem with people making fun of a whole group, I don’t know why this doesn’t bother me…maybe because it’s accurate? Why didn’t anyone get insulted at the seminary girls post? Maybe because it was so true, that even a seminary girl could get a kick out of it? I find the lack of political correctness here refreshing, not offensive. Sometimes you just gotta say it like it is! [Although I do hope that the line of being envious of Gitty is not true...]
DITTO!
Although like the seminary girls letter, there were tons of people getting all ticked about it.
Re Gitty. Don’t know. Hope not.
Oh? I guess I read it before the “ticked off” people? Dunno. Question: Isn’t it a “tina” beigel?
Check the Matazav.com post about it here:
http://matzav.com/an-open-letter-to-seminary-girls-etiquette-in-geulah
108 comments. Some were definitely ticked.
Tina Beigel? Not that I’ve heard…
The oilam needs to chill. Like the seminary girls letter, it totally and completely a joke.
Plus, it comes from a deep seated love for each and every Jew. Sort of.
Look, I found it funny too. I recognize that profile in quite a few people I know. I still wouldn’t have expected it to come from you!
I checked out the seminary one and you can’t really compare making fun of the crocs they wear or them davening in the street to knowing the clerks in Blockbuster on first name basis. There are a lot of “tuna beigels” that like to have a good time and be where the action is but don’t really match the picture you depicted.
Anyway, your website has some great content, so keep writing!
Fair enough.
I intend to…and thanks for the bracha!
Btw yeshivaguy, talking about the seminary girls post, I need to thank you. I’ve thought about the line halfshared mentioned so often, about davening mincha, where you wrote “keep track of the time. We do.” That sentence really struck me, like “omg, they really do have to always keep track of the time, they can’t just decide at four o’clock to go on a shopping trip half an hour away” and I got a new-found respect for frum men who have to program their life around zmanei tefilah. And now, I find myself being more conscious of the time and when I’m going to leave and come, and I think of the line every time.
Why thank you…truthfully, it wasn’t meant as an inspiring post- but there ya go!
I have to say that as a secular jew just browsing through websites due to my curiosity about the deeply religious…I did not understand a single line in that post!!! Although it probably is funny.
Now, if someone would only explain it to me…sigh….
ZhenZhen:
Your curiosity lead you to the inside scoop
You need to get a broader picture and work your way in- you can start with AISH.COM.
Also, try to remember when surfing the net, don’t believe everything you read (about anyone) but especially anything regarding Hassidic Jews.
Good luck! It’s a meaningful & beautiful life we lead here, I hope you get to see all this.